. . . .in the wilderness of life

smoke on the water

2006-07-26T01:12:00.000-07:00

did you ever notice that lakes are always really clam in the morning? does the wind not blow when the sun goes down or what?

Art

2006-07-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

So I was just reading a friend's blog and she has this to say about art.

"I think a lot about art. I'm not an artist, really at all. But art is one of the things that moves me the most. At one Christmas symphony I went to in Omaha, I was tearing up even before the curtain had risen."

I thought a lot about that. I went to a concert a while back, one of the truly great chamber ensembles in the world (yeah, they came to L-town) and I sat there, listened, and was unmoved. I am an artist in some respects but I wonder if in my attempt to become so close to what I love, if I haven't destroyed my appreciation for it. I listen to performances, live or on recording, and find myself mostly thinking about the technique of the thing. Who it is and how they did, or didn't, make it sound good. I rarely find now what once gave me simple pleasure. One might think that I had just refined my sense of what "good" music was, but I find that my so finely tuned ears Far, far exceed my talent.

Not to say music doesn't bring any joy to my life, but I find that the moments I so greatly long for-the spine tingle moments when you realize you're in the presence of something truly beautiful-are so few and far between that I am relegated to listen to the same recordings over and over again to satisfy my desire. As I look over my itunes library I find that I tend to play the same 30 or so recording over and over. Am I so picky, I have so many and I gloss over so many of them after a few casual overviews.

big apples

2006-07-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

Yes i am back from the land of big apples. I came, saw, and partook (is that a word?) in much that was musical. Overall I had a blast! The conference was very good, though I realize more than ever that I actually know nothing and I really ought to be practicing and listening constantly just so I can keep up with the Jones. I met a lot of cool people, it's amazing who you will sit down next to at a jazz club in NYC. After the conference my dad flew up and we spent a couple of days being men about town, seeing the sights and all. The highlights from the trip were definitely walking the Brooklyn bridge, seeing Maynard play (the dude is getting OLD, but still has some juice left), and walking around chinatown (mmm, reminds me of the trip in '04).

Also I found out, via blog, that Miss Lauren also spent some quality time in the apple. Her trip was well documented, i'm way too lazy to drag a camera everywhere, but she has some sweet pictures of the bridge!

I've started rehearsing with the new kiddies, they seem like a good time and i have high hopes that we will get started off on a good foot (i'll let the reader decide which) and hopefully we can establish some good trust! I really want to win them over so we can go some places, please be lifting up our time together in prayer. Also please pray for wisdom, love, and patience in my decisions and interactions with the kids. I am trying to bear this burden of responsibility with joy, but it's a daunting task. What strange feelings that I get at the start of a new season. . .

the cliff hanger

2006-07-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

I'd be willing to be within the next couple of years we're going to see a move with that title.

Okay people, there's been tons of stuff that's gone on since the last post. I moved to a new town, everything expect that bed, and have started to work my way through the community making first impressions and the like. It's scary thinking that i'm going to be the primary representative of the fine arts to the community!
I also got vertical on the wakeboard, i say vertical because i didn't actually get out of the water-or at least didn't get out long enough for it to really mean anything. I also had an experience which has brought some things into crystal clear perspective-which has had a lot of ramifications in my life. God is giving me some meaning to events and struggles I have had over the past year or so which has given me direction for this coming season.
I've also noticed some friends who seem to be struggling in their current situation and i'm not sure what i should do. I know i need to do something but i'm not sure what that is-what i really don't want is to withdraw from the situation or do nothing. I think some prayer is in order.

I'm such a pyro!

2006-07-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

so yeah, i'm pretty much a hard-core pyromaniac.....luckly i'm a reallly poor pyro so i can't blow tons of money on things that go "Boom."

I spent the day with the fam playing games and the like, it was much fun. I also hung out with friends and peoples which was also a really good time. I'm moving soon which ought to be really interesting, I'm going to rent a U-haul and hopefully move all of my stuff in one go. When i get settled and ready, i'll throw a huge house warming party for all my peoples so keep your ears perked for the good word!

cats and half-life

2006-07-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

so there's this hypothetical experiment where this famous scientist proposed that if he put his cat into a sealed container with a poison bomb set to go off when a molecule of radioactive "something" reached its half-life, that he would never really know when the cat actually died. Has something to do with the decay rate of the material....

well it's something like that, anyways life has been in a transition period lately. I'm packing all my stuff at my old place and getting ready to move to my new job. Yeah i'm kinda nervous because I'm leaving a place I know to go someplace i don't. Then again, it is also an opportunity to start over and learn from my previous mistakes.

I'm going to L-town tomorrow for the 4th, see my friends and maybe try and con them into helping me move :-D

skydiving anyone?

2006-06-29T22:46:00.001-07:00

I'd like to try that sometime.

So i found a new place, a house, and am going to move into it next week! I'm pretty excited, my landlord is pretty cool and is even going to let me paint it however I want! I'm also looking forward to being in a place with more people my age.

I have a going away party tomorrow night, arranged by parents and former students. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. On the surface it seems like a really sweet thing to do, but I guess i just felt that i never was that well liked-making this more of a compulsory thing. There was even an add in the paper about the party and the times and stuff. I think what bothers me the most is that some of my favorites, yes i did have a few (but i treated them the same!!), didn't know about it which begs the question, "who will show up??" (gulp). Maybe this is just low self-esteem talking, but i really don't want to show up to a party like this, that i didn't organize or ask for, and then get embarrassed by the fact nobody shows... plus, there's swimming. I said swimming people! Who wants to see my nasty white skin......ehh, it's their fault i guess ;-)

one more thing, i'm dealing with a sin addiction in my life right now, please pray for my strength of conviction, that God would make me see my sin as he sees it, and that he would rid my heart of this cancer and replace it with christ's likeness.

sore muscles

2006-06-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

I played soccer today, yeah it was partially inspired by the world cup, with some of my friends. I am reminded why i'm so terrible at soccer-i'm slow and fat-however it was still a lot of fun! Right now I'm reaping the rewards of not stretching before or after rigorous exercise-being sore everywhere. I think I'm going to start running on a regular basis. I'm tired of being so out of shape. Guess i'll have to buy some running shoes.

and the Oscar goes to....

2006-06-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

I saw "Capote," didn't like it very much.

I spent the last couple of days with some old (and some new) friends on a lake outside of A-town. It was really good to have some good fellowship with the guys and go on the lake and do manly things. I also spent a lot of good quality bonding time playing 'halo' and 'halo 2.' no, I'm not any good; yes, it is still fun.
I think I'm going to move this week, either this one or the next one. I haven't started packing and I haven't found a new place to move into, but i have high hopes that I'll find one tomorrow when I'm up there. I probably ought to bring the contract up to my new employers too....

how to disarm a man armed with a banana

2006-06-23T03:23:00.000-07:00

what a great show.... So i'm back in civilization again! Actually i met a very nice girl who is working in the small town and we've had a lot of fun hanging out together recently. She's got a fiance so it's strictly a friendship thing, but i'm not terribly keen on a relationship right now anyways. Also i bumped into a very good friend of mine who i haven't gotten to talk to in a really long time. I hadn't realized how much i missed talking with her, she's just a real fun person who I always have enjoyed being around. There are a lot of things i really admire about her. You know those people who just kinda bring inspiration into your life; the ones who challenge you to see things from a different perspective and stretch you in ways that you didn't know you could be-yeah, she's one of those people. I think we all need more people like that in our lives! We kinda lost touch when she moved away a couple of years ago but i really hope that we keep in touch this time. Anyways, it's late and i need sleep-goodnight you digital, pixel, network...transmogrified.....keyboarded........thingies, you.

celebrity [poker...boxing...death match]

2006-06-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

Yup, everything gets better when it's done by celebrities! Screech in boxing gloves, case and point.
So there's a big 'ol storm outside right now and it's super windy but no rain as of yet. I might go outside and watch, see if I get any inspiration for my next painting. I'm not actually any good but it's relaxing as long as I don't take it too seriously. I'm debating my plans for the next couple of days, I have a couple of options and am not sure what would be the most interesting. Maybe I'll watch some of the world cup.

oasis in the desert

2006-06-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from the "big city" today and will be spending the next couple of days out in the middle of nowhere doing my civic duties. If you're wondering what that means, it's things that I should be paid for but won't be because they're "obligations" that go along with doing my job in this particular community. My time spent back home was very refreshing; it's nice to spend some time in fellowship with friends. I also attended a wedding for one of my close friends; it was really encouraging to see him and his wife say their vows-to witness God's providence and love right for everyone to see.
I think my problem is that deep down I don't think that I’ll ever have that need fulfilled. Whether I think that's because of my personal sins and wantonness or because of sin in the world I’m not sure. I keep telling myself that's a lie, that God has a woman who he will put in my life, that the enemy is trying to use this to make me resort to easier and more immediate gratification (because I’ll never get anything better) but I just can't shake the idea that it's really going to be this way. The other half of me thinks that I won't be given that woman until I can shake off this issue-so either way she's still not coming, at least right now.
Honestly it's probably for the best, as I’ve felt in evidence of some of my attitudes and actions over the past couple of days. I lost my temper once or twice when I really shouldn't have, you'd think that a person in my profession would have more patience. I also seem to have developed a problem with lying. Not permanent falsehoods but more telling lies that last a few seconds, deceiving people to take advantage of their trust in me-or at least their gullibility. And what, you might wonder, would be my purpose in these seemingly innocuous lies, to be funny. A pretty crappy reason to take advantage of my friends trust don't you think. Yeah, I need to take care of that pretty fast.
My friends want me to link this blog to theirs so that I can be in their blog-ring. I kind of like that "blanket of anonymity" because I can disclose my real thoughts without having everyone I know reading them. Unlike some of my bolder friends, I can't put it all out there for everyone to see so I think I’ll just keep this one to myself-for the time being.

biggest splinter ever.

2006-06-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

Every so often I feel compelled to journal something. Not that this is a very efficient-or private-method of doing so, but I will wrap myself in the warm blank of anonimity [at least for the moment]. I've been offered a new job in a different, larger town that will have more people my age. After consulting some of my older and wiser mentors, I think that it would be a good place to setup shop and do some good things. I plan to call my would-be boss tomorrow and talk some things over with him to make sure we want to go in the same direction; if that goes well, i'll accept the position. I had really hoped to live with my college buddy in one of the nearby cities but I think that this is where I'm supposed to be. It's a sacrifice I think I'm supposed to make, not that it is any easier.
I've felt drawn back to God recently, he's been putting things in my life that demand I give Him more time, prayer, and love than i've been giving Him during the last year. I met with a Godly man recently and we talked over life and our relationships with God. I came to realize during that conversation that I've been a real faker lately, a lot like those white-washed tombs Jesus spoke of. I really need to take the log out of my eye and look to glorifiying God and putting Jesus back in the central position of Lord in my life that he deserves. Frankly I am not surprised that God put me out of reach of significant girl relationships; I'm just not ready for one...way to selfish.